Tuesday, July 5, 2016

'The Myths' : Relationship Sours Part-II

How to begin......... Well.....
If you think relationships don't take hard work or that passion shouldn't fade if you're really in love, think again.
There are hundreds of myths about relationships, according to Terri Orbuch, author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great" (Delacorte Press, 2009). The problem with persistent myths is that they can erode a relationship's happiness, she said.

Well, you must be wandering, I was suppose to discuss on Anger souring relationships ; but that some other day because these myths on relationships according to me seemed more relevant and something that everyone would be able to connect to !
So bare a few minutes and go through it and think.... i am sure each one of us might have experienced these myths at some point or the other in their relationships. Some might have succumb to them and ended, some might have overcome it and sailed smoothly !
So, here it is :
When you think a relationship should be a certain way, and yours isn't, frustration sets in. And "frustration is the number one thing that eats away at a relationship," Or buch said, and "it's directly tied to these myths."
That's why it's so critical to bust the below misconceptions.
So without further ado, here are five myths about relationships that might surprise you or the least make you atleast think.

1. Myth: A good relationship means that you don't have to work at it.
Fact: "The strongest most enduring relationships take lots of hard work," said Lisa Blum, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don't prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort. She likened a healthy relationship to a good garden. "It's a beautiful thing but you wouldn't expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor." But how do you know if you're working too hard on a relationship? One sign, according to Blum, is if you're feeling unhappy more than you're happy. In other words, are you spending more time tending to the relationship and keeping it afloat than enjoying it? This unhappiness becomes less of a rough patch, and more like the "normal state of affairs," she said. Another bad sign is if you're trying hard to make improvements and changes, but you don't see the same level of effort on your partner's part. "There has to be some sense of 'we're trying really hard, both making changes and that's making a difference.'" On the flip side, if both of you are trying and you can see positive changes being made at least some of the time, then that's a good sign, Blum said.

2. Myth: If partners really love each other, they know each other's needs and feelings. Fact: "It's a setup to expect your partner to be able to read your mind," Blum said — because when you anticipate that your partner will know your wants, that's essentially what you're doing. We develop this expectation as kids, she said. But "as adults, we're always responsible for communicating our feelings and needs." And once you've communicated your needs and feelings, "a better measure of the quality of your relationship" is whether your partner actually listens to your words.

3. Myth: If you're truly in love, passion will never fade.
Fact: Thanks to movies and romantic novels, we assume that if we genuinely love someone, "the passion, urging and loving" never go away. And if they do disappear, then "it must not be the right relationship" or "our relationship [must be] in trouble," Orbuch said. However, passion naturally diminishes in all relationships. Daily routines are one of the culprits, Blum said. As their responsibilities grow and roles expand, couples have less and less time and energy for each other. But this doesn't mean that the passion is gone for good. With a little planning and playfulness, you can boost passion. Blum sees many relationships where passion is alive and well. And when it comes to passion-squashing routines, Blum suggested couples ask themselves: "How do we tame our lives sufficiently that we can make time for each other and have energy left for each other?"

4. Myth: Fights ruin relationships.
Fact: In actuality, what ruins relationships is not resolving your fights, Blum said. "Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air." Also, the type of fight a couple has plays a role. Not surprisingly, nasty, scornful or condescending fights that leave couples resolution-less and not talking for days damage the relationship. Productive conflicts that help the relationship end with "some mutual decision about how to manage this disagreement."

5. Myth: In order for the relationship to be successful, the other partner must change. Fact: Many times we're very good at the blame game and not so good at pondering how we can become better partners. Instead, we demand that our partners make such and such changes. Unless, there are extreme circumstances like abuse or chronic infidelity, But even more than that, it's up to you to figure out what you can do. While this seems "simple and obvious," 100 percent of the couples Blum sees point the finger. "It's a profound mental shift to look at what can I do [and] what changes can I make." However not forget....at times change is also important !!!

Well, enough said and heard, the fact remains clear... relationships are your baby.... nurture it and do whatever it needs to grow into a healthy one. One of the two partners must understand it if not both and then everything pacifies. And the myths.... myths are myths....why ponder over them.

Finally if irrespective of numerous attempts there is a certain complexity and tension prevailing in your relationship...... then think and decide............

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